I am super excited to share what influences me. This list of who and what inspires me is so incredibly long I could devote an entire blog theme to the topic itself. A good place to start would be my OG influencers. They are all talented women, of course.
Lana Del Rey is my spirit animal. She found me right as I was turning from girl to woman. I lived through her music during so many troubling years of my life. Her theme of the beauty within sadness resonated within me and it really shaped how I viewed life at that time. It was unhealthy but such a whirlwind, living in a fantasy and romanticizing even the worst parts of life. But it wasn't just her music that had influenced me; her aesthetic and style also captivated me. When i first started makeup I attempted to recreate a look from the "Born To Die" music video. A Lana fan site reblogged it and trolled me for thinking I looked like her. I was so embarrassed, and super insecure but never stopped, thank god.
Then I discovered Marina Abramovic. I had always been fascinated with art, particularly Italian Sculptures and Early Renaissance paintings but when I found the work of Marina Abramovic art took on a new meaning. I could not believe how powerful her performance art was. The emotions her work provoked in me made me realize I had to finish my art degree. This woman is so strong and innovative, I truly admire her. Below is a performance piece called Rest Energy. In this piece Marina Abramovic wears a microphone near her heart as her long time artist boyfriend Ulay pulls an arrow back with his weight, giving him total control as he aims it at Abramovic’s chest. Marina had said this was one of the most terrifying performances she had done, only enforcing its message, love is giving someone the power to hurt you and trusting that they won’t.
After Abramovic, I read about Palma Bucarelli. An art historian that curated the Galleria Nazionale d'Arte in Rome from 1942-1975. She was in charge of protecting the gallery's collections during World War II which is amazing in itself. She also attended the First International Congress of Art Critics in 1948 and oversaw many iconic exhibitions of work by artists such as Pablo Picasso and Jackson Pollock. She promoted abstract art and displayed pieces that were often, at first, criticized. She had an eye for innovative and unusual pieces and she always stood her ground when expressing its relevance and importance. I aspire to live a life similar to Palma Burcarelli. She was beautiful, smart and was in control of works of art. Life goals.
For a bonus, I'm going to throw in Marilyn Monroe, solely based on aesthetic inspiration. Another strong, beautiful woman who knew how to dress and impress.
I don’t know how I feel about opening up about my current mental health status. I have a tendency of needing to figure things out all on my own before sharing it with anyone. I have a love hate relationship with this trait. It makes me feel strong and it protects me from people’s judgement. But it hurts and it also prevents me from receiving my loved ones advice. The analogy my therapist used was to imagine your mental health was like a steep hike with a trail guide (the trail guide being your loved ones). Your guide could either lead the way or stand behind and make sure you don’t fall. But in my analogy, I wait until the guides not looking then run to go sit in my car and cry for an hour. I know it's dramatic, but if anyone did try to make me hike up a mountain I actually would probably cry. The point is, I listen to no one. I ask advice of no one. I don’t want help from no one. This characteristic of mine is important to remember as I explain the beginning of my mental health journey. You’ll see choosing to live this way is painful. That if you’re struggling mentally, you should not be living this way.
It took me so long to understand that talking about my problems was not a sign of weakness. I believed living with my walls up protected me from harm but in reality it shielded me from love and essentially, help. We forget how comforting it is to feel cared about and supported. For someone in pain those are really important feelings to experience. Not opening up prevented me from being authentic and finding self love. Living alone in my own head was not my best life. I deserved to be happy, and have my thoughts and emotions heard and understood. I’ll use this post as a reminder to myself, I am not weak for sharing. I feel stronger now for putting these thoughts out into the world and I hope this is helpful for those who read it. Please visit my aspiring activist page for additional useful resources and information regarding mental health.
2018 has been my rebirth. I had always been creatively driven to the point of complete confusion and absolute no focus of medium. I had gone through the spectrum. Theater, singing, painting, writing; I just wanted to express myself. I had attempted college before getting wrapped up in other aspects of my life and ended up going to beauty school, becoming a Licensed Esthetician with a focus on makeup. Despite loving creating looks on myself and friends I was uninspired to pursue it as a career. I spent years just creating looks on myself, turning down makeup jobs due to my mental health struggles and relationship woes. I had accepted creating as just a hobby and continued to model my own makeup and clothing for my own entertainment.
As 2018 began I looked at the New Year as truly a new beginning. I was on track for getting my mind right, I was staying positive and focusing on myself, and finding who I was outside of a relationship again. I was solely focusing on my mental health and I could feel myself transforming. As long as I looked forward, I was determined to succeed at feeling healthy. This year everything has seemed to start falling in line with who I have always wanted to be. Taking time to explore who I want to be, lay low and spend time with my loved ones has been so refreshing and healing. For months I allowed myself the freedom to just be. Traveling, absorbing art, meeting creatively driven people and becoming inspired again.
Currently I am almost finished with my AA in Studio Arts and together we’re going to find out what medium I’ll pursue a degree in. In the mean time, I am pursuing this Plus Size modeling thing. I is cute and gots what it takes. Take a look at my aspiring model portfolio. Honestly, I just want to create. If any artists or companies are interested in collaborating with me, please feel free to contact me.