I don’t know how I feel about opening up about my current mental health status. I have a tendency of needing to figure things out all on my own before sharing it with anyone. I have a love hate relationship with this trait. It makes me feel strong and it protects me from people’s judgement. But it hurts and it also prevents me from receiving my loved ones advice. The analogy my therapist used was to imagine your mental health was like a steep hike with a trail guide (the trail guide being your loved ones). Your guide could either lead the way or stand behind and make sure you don’t fall. But in my analogy, I wait until the guides not looking then run to go sit in my car and cry for an hour. I know it's dramatic, but if anyone did try to make me hike up a mountain I actually would probably cry. The point is, I listen to no one. I ask advice of no one. I don’t want help from no one. This characteristic of mine is important to remember as I explain the beginning of my mental health journey. You’ll see choosing to live this way is painful. That if you’re struggling mentally, you should not be living this way.
It took me so long to understand that talking about my problems was not a sign of weakness. I believed living with my walls up protected me from harm but in reality it shielded me from love and essentially, help. We forget how comforting it is to feel cared about and supported. For someone in pain those are really important feelings to experience. Not opening up prevented me from being authentic and finding self love. Living alone in my own head was not my best life. I deserved to be happy, and have my thoughts and emotions heard and understood. I’ll use this post as a reminder to myself, I am not weak for sharing. I feel stronger now for putting these thoughts out into the world and I hope this is helpful for those who read it. Please visit my aspiring activist page for additional useful resources and information regarding mental health.