My heart, it breaks every step that I take..

​        I had never felt so much pain in my entire life. The weeks following my separation I couldn’t recognize myself at all. I was just a disgusting mess of a human. I wasn’t sleeping or eating except for crazy crying girl binging at 2 am. I was having trouble getting to work. So many days I'd try driving there crying as the anxiety intensified the closer I got. I would have a full blown panic attack a parking lot away. My mind raced of negative thoughts of myself and my life. I felt so weak and so embarrassed. Within an hour of waking up for the day I would be so exhausted from my emotions I had to just go back to sleep. I slept for what felt like a lifetime but was really a few weeks.

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  The only task I managed to accomplish was getting myself to therapy every week. Barely. I think I would have figured things out for myself but having someone to hold me accountable every week really worked for me. I was focused and wasn’t there to fuck around. I was so exhausted from being in so much emotional pain, I couldn’t handle it anymore. I needed to put my best effort forward if I was going to feel okay again. ​

      I made my mental health my number one priority. I attended personal therapy and group therapy every week. I started medications for various issues ( a blog post all in itself, that one is coming.) and began learning useful tools and coping mechanisms that I’m going to break down and store here for myself and anyone else in pain that could find them useful. The first lesson that therapy taught me was patience. It was okay that I was struggling. I didn’t have to have it all figured out, and that I was going to get there. This reassurance removed a layer of anxiety that helped me focus. I was spending so much time in my head coming up with solutions but wasn’t trying any of them. I had been going in circles and the first step was just to accept everything. I invited the pain into my life. I knew I was growing every time I faced what was hurting me and causing my anxieties. And things started moving. I didn’t realize it while it was happening but every decision I’ve made has gotten me to this point, and looking back reminds me of how far I’ve come.

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