Just another cycle of the lonely.

     How far back do I go when discussing my journey with mental health? I have seen therapists throughout my childhood and when things were hard in high school. But to talk about the traumas associated with said beginning of my journey is not really something I feel compelled to do right now. Going to therapy as a kid is difficult. You don’t know who you are or where you’re going. How do you ask for advice? How easy is it for a teenager to make change happen for themselves? Maybe at a later time we will discuss, but the journey I am on currently, is new.

It is true that you won’t see change until you are really ready to receive it. Therapy as an adult began as a last resort solution for doing what I could to fix my failing marriage. I will not discuss it in any further detail ever, other than there were many, many things wrong that could no longer be fixed. I was exhausted and very alone. My bed was my best friend mainly because I pushed all of my real ones away, including my family. I was so lost. Lost is the worst type of sadness. I knew my potential was being wasted but mentally and physically I couldn’t do anything about it. Every time I would think of my life and where I wasn’t headed I would have a complete melt down. It was all too overwhelming for me to handle. This cycle went on for so long.

Then one night my life exploded, everything came crashing down on me. I will always remember the lowest night of my life. And I will always remember that next dawn as the moment I decided I was ready to receive help. I did the only thing a kid knows to do.. I called my mom. Writing that, made me burst into tears. I really feel like talking to my mother was the right move. I love you Buffs. I sat on my front porch that morning and unloaded things onto her that needed to be released for years, then I just left. I left the home I was living in with absolutely nothing. I literally started fresh. Everything had been delivered to me through the year, but for a while there it really felt like the clean break from that life that I needed. I was completely heartbroken and very depressed but for some reason I kept going to therapy, no longer for my marriage but for me. I manifested all my pain into one continuous thought, I have nothing else to lose, not even myself. Then I went on a journey to find her.